Total Self-Gift: A Necessity in Married Love

Sex should be a complete gift of self from one spouse to the other; do you have possession of yourself? BONUS - Examination of Conscience for Married Couples: Intimacy Edition

Happy St. Valentine’s Day!

As St. Valentine’s Day approaches, I’ve been reflecting on the few things we know about him vs. how secular culture treats this day. St. Valentine is believed to have been an early martyr, meaning he died out of love for Christ.

A memory that has never left me from High School is this: Victoria’s Secret advertising “first date” undergarments. I believe it was around St. Valentine’s Day, but regardless, it feels as if this day has become about lust, not love.

In honor of St. Valentine, who knew what it meant to love as Christ loved the church, here is an essay on love, specifically, marital love.

Chastity: A Virtue for All

Prior to learning the teachings of the Church regarding sex within marriage, I thought, once married, anything goes. Through the grace of God, I encountered Truth. I learned that chastity is for all, even those who are married.

“All the baptized are called to chastity.” - Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2348

The Catechism says the following regarding chastity:

Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy. [Cf. Sir 1:22] "Man's dignity therefore requires him to act out of conscious and free choice, as moved and drawn in a personal way from within, and not by blind impulses in himself or by mere external constraint. Man gains such dignity when, ridding himself of all slavery to the passions, he presses forward to his goal by freely choosing what is good and, by his diligence and skill, effectively secures for himself the means suited to this end."¹

This is such a beautiful call. We are called to freedom, which isn’t the ability to do whatever we want, but the ability to do what is right.² When we are controlled by our appetites, sexual or otherwise, we are not free. We are slaves to those appetites.

We cannot give something we do not possess. If we allow our passions to drive us, giving into every desire, we have become a slave to our passions. Our passions own us. We do not own ourselves. As a result, we are incapable of giving ourselves to our spouse.

“[I]nasmuch as [man] is master over himself he can “give himself” to another.” - A Theology of the Body, 123.5

Self-mastery is not unattainable. The Catechism offers guidance:

Whoever wants to remain faithful to his baptismal promises and resist temptations will want to adopt the means for doing so: self-knowledge, practice of an ascesis³ adapted to the situations that confront him, obedience to God's commandments, exercise of the moral virtues, and fidelity to prayer. "Indeed it is through chastity that we are gathered together and led back to the unity from which we were fragmented into multiplicity."⁴

When it comes to growing in virtue, we must get to know ourselves. What situations are leading us to sin? What is our predominant fault (i.e. the vice we struggle with the most)? Maybe we are prone to drunkenness, so we must avoid bars to protect ourselves from falling into grave sin. Someone who struggles with porn may downgrade (or upgrade, depending on how you look at it) to a dumb phone (aka: a phone with no data/wifi access), keep devices out of their bedroom, and switch from having a laptop to a desktop computer in the living room. We must take the time to seek out our weakness. This happens through consistent prayer. Jesus loves you the way you are, but he loves you way too much to leave you that way.⁵ He desires your freedom.

Our Spouse: A Helpmate on Our Journey to Holiness

When we are seeking a spouse, we should seek someone who desires our holiness, not someone who will be permissive regarding our tendency towards sin. To give our spouse permission to sin is the opposite of love, as it is not going to draw them closer to Christ. To love means to will the good of the other. It means setting oneself aside. Casti Connubii articulates the way we must love our spouse:

[M]atrimonial faith demands that husband and wife be joined in an especially holy and pure love, not as adulterers love each other, but as Christ loved the Church. This precept the Apostle laid down when he said: "Husbands, love your wives as Christ also loved the Church," that Church which of a truth He embraced with a boundless love not for the sake of His own advantage, but seeking only the good of His Spouse. The love, then, of which We are speaking is not that based on the passing lust of the moment nor does it consist in pleasing words only, but in the deep attachment of the heart which is expressed in action, since love is proved by deeds. This outward expression of love in the home demands not only mutual help but must go further; must have as its primary purpose that man and wife help each other day by day in forming and perfecting themselves in the interior life, so that through their partnership in life they may advance ever more and more in virtue, and above all that they may grow in true love toward God and their neighbor, on which indeed "dependeth the whole Law and the Prophets." For all men of every condition, in whatever honorable walk of life they may be, can and ought to imitate that most perfect example of holiness placed before man by God, namely Christ Our Lord, and by God's grace to arrive at the summit of perfection, as is proved by the example set us of many saints.⁶

There are times when we must set aside our desires, sexual or otherwise, for the sake of our spouse. It may be illness, postpartum healing, a high-risk pregnancy (potentially causing harm to mom or baby, such as in the case of placenta previa), a work trip, deployment, or a number of other things. Will this be painful at times? Yes, but dying on the cross was painful for Jesus.

Through the grace of God, we can have a chaste marriage. We do not have to give up on this high call the Church has given us. Additionally, we mustn’t confuse purity culture⁷ with the good, true, and beautiful teachings of the Church.

“There is no possible circumstance in which husband and wife cannot, strengthened by the grace of God, fulfill faithfully their duties and preserve in wedlock their chastity unspotted.” - Casti Connubii, 61

From Purity Culture to…Idolatry?

Lately, I have wondered if there is a pendulum swing in effect from purity culture to idolatry of sexual pleasure. Though there is some truth in both ends of the spectrum, the virtuous mean is the sweet spot.

Here’s some of my thoughts on this matter:

If we walk away from the marital act with a feeling of being dirty, there are two possible reasons: being raised to think that sex is always bad, or our conscience is telling us that something is off. It is possible that it is both, but we should ensure we do not accuse purity culture and walk away. We should take it all to prayer. Grab a journal, write it out. Tell God how you are feeling. Be vulnerable and do not worry about fancy language. Bring all your feelings to light as many times as necessary. Along with this, speak with your spouse about your feelings. At the bottom of this post, I included an Examination of Conscience that you can use, as well.

Shame

In Eden, “[Adam] and [Eve] were both naked, yet they felt no shame.”⁸ St. Pope John Paul II analyzes this to conclude that “both are ‘naked,’ because they are free with the very freedom of the gift.”⁹ “Here we mean freedom above all as self-mastery (self-dominion).”¹⁰ “The obstacle against this freedom lies in the inner constraint of concupiscence directed toward the other ‘I’ as an object of enjoyment. Reverence for what God has created frees one from this constraint, frees one from all that reduces the other ‘I’ to a simple object: it strengthens the interior freedom of the gift.”¹¹ “[E]xtortion of the gift from the other human being (from the woman on the part of the man and vice versa) and his or her inner reduction to a mere ‘object for me,’ should mark exactly the beginning of shame.”¹²

When in the context of marriage, honoring God’s laws, sex is good. How we approach marital intimacy, and as a result, our spouse, matters greatly. Marital love can either enrich the relationship, bearing fruit, or hurt the relationship.

A Eucharistic Analogy

Just as one does not receive the Eucharist in the state of mortal sin, there are circumstances in which one should not receive one's spouse. While one could receive the Eucharist in the state of mortal sin, it would not be good for your spiritual wellbeing. When in a state of mortal sin, we are separated from God. Our relationship with Him has been severed. Similarly, one could enter into the marital act with the knowledge that a full self-gift is not possible, but it would not be good for the relationship. Lacking a full self-gift mentally¹³ may lead to guilt, while lacking full self-gift emotionally¹⁴ may lead to resentment. (We fall prey to these when “consent” is held as the only deciding factor regarding marital intimacy.)

How one receives the Eucharist is also something worth noting. Do we treat the Eucharist as a piece of meaningless food? Or do we receive with reverence, recognizing that this is our Lord: body, blood, soul, and divinity?

How do we receive our spouse? With love and tenderness? With acknowledgement of their dignity? With respect and care for their body? Or as a body that has the capability of giving us pleasure?

Concluding Thoughts

Our bodies were created for a purpose, and they should be used as intended, in accordance with God’s laws.

Our bodies speak a language. When we come together with our spouse, are we saying "I love all of you, I give all of myself to you, and I receive all of you."?

Don't chase pleasure, chase closeness to your spouse.

What God asks of us, such as growing in virtue, is possible. “‘God does not ask the impossible, but by His commands, instructs you to do what you are able, to pray for what you are not able that He may help you.’”¹⁵

“A temperate man is one who is master of himself. One in whom passions do not prevail over reason, will, and even the "heart". A man who can control himself!…It is enough to look at some one who, carried away by his passions, becomes a "victim" of them—renouncing of his own accord the use of reason (such as, for example, an alcoholic, a drug addict)—to see clearly that "to be a man" means respecting one's own dignity, and therefore, among other things, letting oneself be guided by the virtue of temperance.”¹⁶

An Examination of Conscience for Married Couples: Intimacy Edition

Have I withheld sex as a punishment?
Have I used sex as a reward (i.e. for doing specific chores, for losing weight, etc.)?
Have I/we watched pornography?
Have I looked at another man/woman lustfully?
Have I asked my spouse to do something during the marital act that made them feel disrespected or undignified?
Have I used contraception, sterilizing the act?
Have we intentionally had the husband finish outside the wife (i.e. pull out method)?
Have I entered into the act, knowing I would be distracted (aka: not fully present mentally)?
Have I entered into the act, knowing I felt negatively towards my spouse (aka: not fully present emotionally)?
Have I engaged in sexual behavior without intentions of having sex?
Do I value pleasure over closeness to my spouse?
Have I used sex as a form of medication (i.e. having sex just to alleviate feelings of depression/anxiety)?

Further Reading

• I talk about the physical self-gift piece of married love in my piece called Isn't NFP just "Catholic Contraception"? Our fertility is a part of us, and it should not be withheld from our spouse.

• Humanae Vitae is a relatively short document that is free to read online

• Though I have not read all of it, A Theology of the Body by St. Pope John Paul II offers a lot of wisdom for our time.

• Lastly, Casti Connubii is another document worth reading

1. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2339

2. cf. Lord, Teach Us to Pray by Jeffrey Kirby

3. Ascesis can be defined as “self-discipline”. One way to accomplish this is through denying oneself through fasting or in day to day life (i.e. not eating ice cream when you really want to eat some ice cream).

4. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2341

5. I don’t remember where I heard this, but I’ve never forgotten it.

6. Casti Connubii, 23 (Emphasis added)

7. I’m no expert on the subject of purity culture, but when I use it, understand it as a general thought of “sex is bad”, or, at least, that is the impression it left on those brought up in it.

8. Genesis 2:25

9. A Theology of the Body, 15.1

10. Ibid., 15.2

11. Ibid., 132.3

12. Ibid., 17.3

13. This side of things reminds me of what I’ve heard called the “mental load” that women often carry. There are times when it is a lot, and it is distracting (possibly so distracting that it’d be all you are thinking of during the marital act, which should be avoided…self-knowledge is a big piece of healing this part of us) so we should communicate this with our spouse to see if they could take some tasks off our plate, whether it be calling in appointments (this is the one my husband often takes over for me) or making a baked good for an event. This conversation and the husband’s subsequent help is an act of love. Then, who knows, the woman might now feel less distracted, leading to intimacy that felt impossible just an hour prior!

14. Similar to the ideas presented in the previous footnote, our emotions toward our spouse should not be negative, as it would not lead to a growth in love.

15. Casti Connubii, 61

16. 22 November 1978 | John Paul II